me (dating a girl named liz and also taking a delicious lasagna out of the oven): hey anyone want some liz on ya? well you can't, she's mine. hahahaha. okay liz you can go home now I only dated you to make that joke
I can’t wait until I have enough money to get a tattoo on the front of my thigh because then I’ll be able to take pictures of it in the bathtub and start drinking tea and date a boring guy with a big beard who loves seven inch records and ignores my needs.